New Relationship Doctor

Every relationship goes through rocky times, this is perfectly normal. What can happen though is the rough times stretch out for months or even years! There eventually comes a time when you need to decide to do something.

Sometimes a break from each other is needed in order to understand if you still want and need each other. Although it may seem impossible you need to analyze the situation objectively and come up with a view – weighing up the pros and cons and seeing which side the balance is on. Are there more positives or negatives; after adding up the two columns which has the greatest weight?

You need to decide if you are happy enough with each other. Are you capable of making decisions together or does the situation descend into a battleground? Are you even compatible in the movies that you want to watch?

Taking all of these different aspects into account will allow you to see a pattern and see whether or not there is hope in the relationship. Are you willing to change your ways to make it work? Notice I said you because you really can’t expect anyone else to change for you. If you are willing to change then there is a chance. If you aren’t willing and hope that others will bend to your will then you are in for a rude surprise. Even if it does work it will be a temporary fix at best.

You need to make important decisions when you are in control of yourself emotionally. Emotions are important and shouldn’t be ignored but its difficult to make a good sound choice when your riding an emotional roller coaster! If it’s a more long term view you need then its far better to wait until you find a calm space with no distractions.

Knowing what you need is important, having a calm center means you can act for the better good of all concerned – including yourself! It’s not enough to know what your partner needs – you have a duty to yourself too.

If you are contemplating a relationship break you need to make a decision based on facts as well as emotions. It needs to feel right and be intellectually right.

You then have the strength to carry out the right actions knowing that you have made a solid, considered, decision.

Relationship problems can be extremely confusing. There are often feelings of futility and despair in one or both of you. However, surprisingly, partners in this situation usually just argue. One may make desperate attempts to get the other partner to come back. Few actually look for professional help, Unfortunately, this just causes more frustration and heart-ache. You have already made too many mistakes; do not make any more!

Partners can have frustrations resulting from the presence of health or emotional problems in either person. Parent-child conflicts can also create anger and ever-present tensions that sometimes seem never-ending. Problems with children are very common and can feed the raging frenzy of your relationship conflicts.

Divorce and the continual transitioning from one relationship to the next is not a ‘solution’ it is an outcome. Counseling can help to form a ‘safe space’ where you can discuss the relationship and explore possible ways to more forwards. When you are in the middle of a conflict its difficult to think clearly!

 
It is important to stay in counseling long enough to get a result, plan on at least 6 visits. Quitting prematurely will only result in a waste of your time and money.
 
Regardless of the circumstances, most likely, you and your partner are directly causing the core problems in your relationship because of poor communication patterns, continuing arguments, intermittent estrangements or even sexual or money problems.
 
Since the relationship itself is fundamentally a result of what you both have made, it goes without saying that it will be necessary for both of you to change your underlying communication patterns. A relationship/ couples counselor provides direct help to address communication issues as well as to assist you to improve your crucial problem-solving skills.

Before you start any of this you both need to be able to accept that to keep your relationship together will take work, and a commitment to change. If you can’t both do that then any counselling is likely to fail.

We all know how painful break-ups can be. In our earlier years it was all part of the normal cycle – you went out for a while, it went well then not so well, then you split up. In our late teenage and early twenties this cycle may have gotten to be a bit longer, stretching out to whole months. One of the outcomes of this was that we had coping mechanisms to deal with the endings.

As we get into our thirties and beyond breakups still happen but they are a lot less frequent. If it’s us doing the ending we often try to minimise the pain with gentle hints and little white lies. But quite often our well-intentioned attempts to soften the blow only result in confusion, humiliation, and even greater pain to the other person.

These time-tested guidelines will help you through the potentially messy business of ending a long term relationship.

1. Be clear.
Some people use vague lines such as ‘I need some space,’ or ‘I need to be alone for a while’ when they are actually finishing a relationship. You might think that drawing out the end over time is a gentle way of letting him down. Instead, you’ll be creating a more messy and painful end. Don’t give him hope, it’s not fair on him and can make things more difficult for you too. If you’ve decided that for you it’s all over then in the long run it’s always kinder to be clear that this is the end.

2. Do your own dirty work.
Don’t deliberately try to force him to do the breaking up with you by becoming bitchy and unreasonable. Many women unhappy in their relationships start inventing absurd jealousies and complaints in an effort to push their partner away. You may have genuine reasons for wanting to end the marriage and think this tactic lets you off the hook. In fact, it’s cowardly. It draws out the inevitable, and creates bad vibes between you. Take responsibility for your dissatisfaction if the relationship isn’t working for you then say so.

3. Allow yourself to be upset.
As you tell him that, wonderful a person as he is, the relationship simply isn’t working for you, it’s OK to be upset. You may have practiced what you would like to say; but when you actually come to be in front of the person you have spent years with it is different. Part of the natural ‘grieving’ process is for you to feel emotional when you loose something. It will help him realise that you are serious and it isn’t just a passing phase.

4. Offer a reason.
You need not give your real reason for losing him – but you do need to offer a reason that’s plausible. For a long term relationship it is likely to be a number of things, it’s never likely to be simple. Over the years things that you didn’t notice before or didn’t mind now become a major irritation. Be careful about blaming him, even though to you its clear that its his fault. If you focus on how you haven’t managed to cope with the situation then that will help him to justify the break-up.

5. Don’t lie, being honest is ‘almost’ always the best policy.
‘This hurts me more than it hurts you,’ is insincere, because it never does; and even if it was true it wouldn’t help to say it. Endings are difficult, the longer the relationship then the more effort and emotional upset it will take to end it. ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ is far more credible and acceptable. Be honest enough to say – it’s not working for me.
If you follow the above points you may manage to achieve that rarity: an amicable break-up from a long term relationship. You and your ex might even move into a pleasant post-relationship friendship.

But if, despite your best efforts, he doesn’t accept your story then you need to stand your ground and plan your exit without him. At least you can leave with a clear conscience!

Many people say money is considered one of the biggest issues affecting modern marriages… but the issue is generally about much more than money.
The real issues behind money problems can be very difficult to pinpoint. Attitudes to money vary from person to person; your own family upbringing will have made a big difference without you realising it.

Where one person in a marriage comes from a family that openly discusses money and the other comes from a more private, money is a taboo then their outlook can be very different.

Entering into any relationship means sharing responsibility, not just tasks but also financial responsibility for the running of your home.
It is usual for one partner to earn more than the other, particularly if there are children in the relationship. The reality is with babies and young children the wife is best placed to take a greater role looking after the kids while the husband earns the money. Even when the kids start school and the wife could work the practical issues around childcare can make a full time position difficult.

As a result power struggles can develop as the husband may feel the money should be under his control, and may not be fully open with his wife about how much he earns, savings, investments etc. This is likely to make the wife’s life very uncomfortable – as she feels reliant on her husband for her very survival (if he pays for the house and food/ Clothes etc then I am dependant on him)

Disagreeing over money is one of the biggest strains on a marriage. Money is power, and when you don’t have enough money or you don’t agree how to spend it, the tension can split you apart.

So what can be done to resolve this problem?
• Firstly it is important to talk about money; just being able to discuss your worries openly can make a huge difference.
• Then if you don’t already know then work out what your current situation is – i.e. how much money do you have coming in and what are your commitments (e.g. mortgage/ rent/ loans/ credit cards etc). Doing this is a worthwhile task as the not knowing is often far worse. Even when the picture is bleak it is a step in the right direction as you start to feel ‘in control’ of the situation.
• From the current financial situation work out if there are any areas where you can save money – where are you spending money and not getting good value?
• Even with the fixed payments it is possible to save – telephone providers or mortgages can be changed to a better deal. There are plenty of the comparison websites that can help.
• There may be areas of guilt and shame when ‘secrets’ come out into the open – these are better off where they can be seen. That way if they need to be sorted out they can be.
• Men are a lot worse at asking for help that women. We are therefore more likely to be trying to fix the problem ourselves rather than looking for help.

Even when you don’t think your marriage has a money problem it is worth doing a financial statement. In our complex lives today it is easy to loose sight of the little things and we can be wasting money that could be used for better effect.

The sense of working together through this process will hopefully be a good one. Even though it may involve some pain if you can face this jointly then it will strengthen your marriage.

Even in our far more emancipated age it is generally the woman’s role to create and maintain the ‘family’ and ‘home’. It is largely unspoken but in 8 cases out of 10 (at least) the wife will be the home maker and the husband the main breadwinner. Probably because of that women are less likely than men to end a bad marriage; somehow they feel ashamed that it didn’t work. A failure!

If you feel that you may be drifting in that direction then start taking notes!

OK lets look at a quiz that has helped others towards their new future – there aren’t any right or wrong answers.
Only you will know the results!

The first question is – Q1 Do you want it to get better? Have you already decided deep down that the relationship is over but just haven’t ended it yet?

The next question is – Q2 Do you believe that it could get better? Similar to Q1 if you already know that the relationship is broken then you are just waiting for it to end.

It is possible that honestly answering these two questions will have clarified where you stand.

Where the situation is not that clear then more searching is required. Ultimately you need to know the answer to Q3 How can you tell if your marriage is irretrievable?

It’s often easier to start with a safe question like – Q4 Are you happy with your marriage? (My guess is your not otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article!) In fact it is unlikely anyone is perfectly happy with their relationship. There are always some edges that grate, areas where he fails to support you as he should. This is perfectly normal.

Where it becomes a problem is if on balance you are giving far more than receiving. Now there will always be areas where one partner is stronger than the other. One may take control (even enjoy) the family budget, another may arrange the family holiday. There are dozens if not hundreds of little things that need to be done to keep a family running each month.

It is possible that you have gravitated to the traditional “he earns the money and I run the home” split, with little or no crossing the line. Some couples are really happy with this; I know some cultures strongly promote this division of labor. The question now isn’t is it right or wrong – instead the question is – Q5 do you think its fair?

Another important question is – Q6 do you feel respected and valued by your husband?

These aren’t easy questions to answer, and may give some uncomfortable feelings. Maybe you feel disloyal to even doubt your marriage.

Now we can go back to the more difficult, and most important question – Q3 How can you tell if your marriage is irretrievable? From what has gone before you may already have an answer? For those of you not in the habit of reflecting on your life you may be a bit shocked and even angry with the state of your relationship.

Stepping back a bit it’s worth saying that ALL relationships have areas that are more difficult than others. Even in strong healthy marriages there will be subjects that you just accept there are differences and move on. Ending a relationship is always a difficult option and I strongly believe that if there is any chance of working things out then they are worth a try.

In fact it is HOW you as a couple deal with your issues that indicate a marriage is working! Ideally you would be aware of the things that are important to you, know if they are being met or not and where there are problems they should be openly discussed and amicably resolved. If only it were always even half way there!

In order to answer Q3 you need to reflect on Q7 how long has it been broken? And Q8 What can YOU do differently to fix it. Note I say what can YOU do! Even though you may think its your husbands fault it will almost always be easier to change your own behavior before changing his. Now the behavior to change may be to stop accepting unreasonable (even abusive) actions.

What you can do is respond differently is say “When you do/ say XX I feel (hurt/ unloved/ upset)”. This will focus on what he is doing rather than directly criticizing him as a person.

Even where you are convinced the marriage is beyond repair it is worth at least trying to improve things before ending it. Should it come to a split then you can hold your head high knowing that you gave it a try. The breakup is a process and although most often painful it can be managed so that it is an easing off rather than a running away.

Hopefully this article has been thought provoking. I hope in some way it has been helpful. Relationships are necessary for our quality of life and if you are suffering then it is possible to make things better.

Many people seek marriage advice only after they’ve discovered that their partner has been having an affair. In some cases, the cheating spouse has already moved out and is living with their lover. An affair can easily destroy your marriage, but it doesn’t have to.Positive signs that your marriage can be rebuilt after an affair include:- Your partner told you about the betrayal on his or her own.
- Your partner is willing to answer questions about the affair.
- Your partner expresses guilt or remorse.
- Your partner is willing to cut off all contact with his or her lover.
- Your partner asks for or agrees to marriage counseling.
- You are willing to let go of your resentment and look inside yourself for reasons that your partner may have sought fulfillment of his or her needs with someone else.
- Both of you are willing to make personal changes to get your marriage back on solid ground.If your partner is unwilling to talk about the affair, refuses to cut off all contact with his or her lover, and accuses you of causing him or her to have the affair, you will have many challenges to overcome to get your marriage back together again. Equally if you aren’t able to forgive and try to honestly understand your partners’ reason for having an affair then it is highly unlikely that the marriage can be repaired.

The vast majority of affairs start in the workplace, primarily because many people today spend more time at work than they do at home. When men and women work in close proximity to one another, they can find it easier to relate to one another than to their spouses back home–especially if their home environment is rife with conflict.

Affairs can happen anywhere your partner frequents without your company. This includes mixed-gender clubs or societies, out-of-town conferences, or the gym. Another growing arena for affairs is the internet. The internet offers the advantages of anonymity, ease of communication, and the ability to meet like-minded individuals.

If your spouse spends a lot of time on the internet with the door closed, you may need to have a serious talk. Don’t accuse: if your partner is using the internet for research or to communicate with friends, he or she will have nothing to hide. But if your partner is indeed using the internet to conduct an affair or view pornography, he or she will become defensive. That’s a red light.

If you ask questions in an open way, showing interest in what they are doing, and your partner doesn’t give a straight answer then it is reasonable to become suspicious. Not by itself but start to wonder. It is a clue that things aren’t as they should be when there are big secrets from each other. But beware, they may just be organizing a surprise birthday party!

When this goes on for a large period of time then it needs confronting. We all need some privacy, some more than others. But there needs to be limits. If you can talk about your concerns, the act of sharing a problem ought to strengthen a relationship. Working through issues together is a great way to strengthen a marriage.

We are all capable of having an affair. We all feel temptation from time to time, but feeling temptation isn’t the same as actually having an affair. Confident people don’t try to repress those feelings; they acknowledge them as the sign of a healthy sex drive and don’t act on them.

When a person is hooked by the feeling of attraction towards someone (not their spouse), they may risk everything–even their marriage–to give into their feelings. Today affairs are the number one cause of divorce. A recent survey of U.K. matrimonial lawyers showed that affairs came out as the number one cause of divorce, accounting for 27% of divorces. Family strains were the second highest cause at 18%, physical or emotional abuse the third highest at 17%, and mid-life crises were fourth highest at 13%.

Men are three times more likely to be the adulterous partner. However, women cheat on their spouses as well. Another survey by the National Opinion Research Center at Chicago University found that roughly one in five men and one in six women have an affair at some time in their life.

An emotional affair can be even more threatening to a relationship than a physical affair, because the ‘lover’ replaces the spouse as the primary source of emotional well-being and companionship. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs than men.

What Triggers an Affair?

A variety of motives, both internal and social, spur people to have affairs. The most prolific ground for affairs occurs when there is a potential lover who is available and willing, when conditions make the practical side of giving into the temptation easy, and there is little to no expectation of recrimination.
Some of the most common social and marital conditions that pave the way for affairs are:

- Increased social contact with members of the opposite sex, especially in the workplace.

As men and women spend more time with each other away from their partners it means giving into that temptation becomes easier and easier. When a man or a woman spends a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex–whether friend, co-worker, or teammate–they develop a platonic friendship that can cross the line into becoming an affair. Familiarity, emotional intimacy, and common professional or sporting goals create a powerful bond that may feel more compelling than the marital relationship. Unmonitored Email and cell phones make developing an extra-marital relationship and keeping in touch with a lover simple.

If your spouse is defensive or secretive about his or her friendship with a member of the opposite sex that should sound a warning! It’s not normal for your husband’s best friend to be another woman. It’s not okay for your wife’s number one confidant to be another man.
In a strong marriage, both partners look first to one another to get their emotional needs met; their main loyalty is to each other. This brings us to the next point…

- Not meeting one another’s emotional needs.

This is this single greatest cause of affairs. When relationships are struggling, both men and women look elsewhere to get their emotional needs met and may find someone “who appreciates them.”

If you and your partner take each other for granted and treat one another like housemates instead of lovers, the stage is set for one of you to have an affair. Women, feeling unappreciated by their husbands, find solace with someone who does listen to them. Unfortunately, an emotional affair can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair. Men, feeling as if they’re always being criticized and cannot please their wives if they try, enjoy the emotional reinforcement of someone who thinks that they’re wonderful and can do no wrong.

Affairs often occur when one or both partners are under stress. Maybe you’ve just taken a new job; maybe your partner is struggling with the demands of a new child or ailing parent. If one of you cannot meet your partner’s emotional needs for any length of time, your partner’s chances of having an affair skyrocket.

Avoid this situation through open, honest communication. Notice when your partner is feeling down and don’t stop until you’ve understood the source of your partner’s emotions. If you feel that your partner isn’t there for you when you need him or her, talk about it. Open the conversation with a description of the things that your partner does for you that you appreciate, then explain what your emotional needs are and exactly what your partner can do to meet them. If you are ready then ask your partner to share the same with you. Unless you know what your partner’s emotional needs are, you cannot hope to fulfill them by guesswork.

- Where one partner is away for long periods of time.

Cheating is easy when partners spend extensive periods of time away from one another, just think about actors, musicians or even athletes who spend weeks or even months on tour. Even if your partner calls you every night, you have no idea what they’re doing in the time away from you. For the partner still at home their lives can separate into what they do in their time and what they do with you. They may feel as if they live in two separate worlds that are totally separate with no cross over.

If you and your spouse spend a lot of time away from one another you need to develop a plan of action to maintain your bond and sense of intimacy even during those times when you’re away. There has to be a level of trust but tempered with a reality check. The best solution in cases like these may be to minimize the amount of time you’re away from one another, even if it requires changing jobs or relocating.

- Overly busy lives with little time spent together.

When partners don’t have time to relax together, their marriage becomes all work and no play. If both of you have lives crammed full with duties your marriage will likely suffer from lack of attention. Just because you live together and wear a ring doesn’t mean that your marriage is invulnerable. A marriage thrives when there is space for both partners to spend quality, unstructured time together, doing nothing but enjoying one another’s company.
If your partner always spends his or her leisure time with others (at the bar, with a hobby that excludes you, with members of a social or sporting club) rather than you, the stage is set for infidelity. Your partner should have the time and space to do activities that he or she personally enjoys, but a (large) proportion of your partner’s leisure time should be spent with you.

- Increased cultural importance on having a superb sex life.

Modern Western culture places a high premium on an exciting, fulfilling sex life. When everyone else is doing it–in the movies, on the billboards, and in the media–we think we need to be doing it, too. Yet a poll by Self magazine discovered that 58% of women polled were disinterested in sex, of which nearly a fifth were completely dissatisfied, preferring to watch television. Why were these women unhappy with their sex lives? Was it their partner, their attitude, or their expectations?

Men and women often have unrealistically high expectations of marriage–that their partner will be their soul mate, that love will be effortless, that their sex life will be dynamic and exciting. When these expectations are not fulfilled, mean and women often look to someone else for fulfillment rather than examining their own expectations.

Unfortunately, many couples don’t put the effort into their sex life until it’s too late. If you and your partner are distant, kiss infrequently, and seem to have lost any sense of intimacy, one of you may seek physical comfort elsewhere. Decrease the chances of this happening by making an effort to be physically intimate with your spouse on a regular basis. Invest in your appearance and don’t use your marriage as an excuse to let yourself go. Keep yourself fit, not just for your love life but almost every aspect of your life is improved by being fit and healthy. Liven up your sex life by regularly trying new things; the investment you put into physical intimacy will pay off by making the hours you do spend together–sleeping side by side–into ones to cherish.

PR: wait…  I: wait…  L: wait…  LD: wait…  I: wait… wait…  C: wait…  SD: wait…