How to end a marriage / long term relationship gently

We all know how painful break-ups can be. In our earlier years it was all part of the normal cycle – you went out for a while, it went well then not so well, then you split up. In our late teenage and early twenties this cycle may have gotten to be a bit longer, stretching out to whole months. One of the outcomes of this was that we had coping mechanisms to deal with the endings.

As we get into our thirties and beyond breakups still happen but they are a lot less frequent. If it’s us doing the ending we often try to minimise the pain with gentle hints and little white lies. But quite often our well-intentioned attempts to soften the blow only result in confusion, humiliation, and even greater pain to the other person.

These time-tested guidelines will help you through the potentially messy business of ending a long term relationship.

1. Be clear.
Some people use vague lines such as ‘I need some space,’ or ‘I need to be alone for a while’ when they are actually finishing a relationship. You might think that drawing out the end over time is a gentle way of letting him down. Instead, you’ll be creating a more messy and painful end. Don’t give him hope, it’s not fair on him and can make things more difficult for you too. If you’ve decided that for you it’s all over then in the long run it’s always kinder to be clear that this is the end.

2. Do your own dirty work.
Don’t deliberately try to force him to do the breaking up with you by becoming bitchy and unreasonable. Many women unhappy in their relationships start inventing absurd jealousies and complaints in an effort to push their partner away. You may have genuine reasons for wanting to end the marriage and think this tactic lets you off the hook. In fact, it’s cowardly. It draws out the inevitable, and creates bad vibes between you. Take responsibility for your dissatisfaction if the relationship isn’t working for you then say so.

3. Allow yourself to be upset.
As you tell him that, wonderful a person as he is, the relationship simply isn’t working for you, it’s OK to be upset. You may have practiced what you would like to say; but when you actually come to be in front of the person you have spent years with it is different. Part of the natural ‘grieving’ process is for you to feel emotional when you loose something. It will help him realise that you are serious and it isn’t just a passing phase.

4. Offer a reason.
You need not give your real reason for losing him – but you do need to offer a reason that’s plausible. For a long term relationship it is likely to be a number of things, it’s never likely to be simple. Over the years things that you didn’t notice before or didn’t mind now become a major irritation. Be careful about blaming him, even though to you its clear that its his fault. If you focus on how you haven’t managed to cope with the situation then that will help him to justify the break-up.

5. Don’t lie, being honest is ‘almost’ always the best policy.
‘This hurts me more than it hurts you,’ is insincere, because it never does; and even if it was true it wouldn’t help to say it. Endings are difficult, the longer the relationship then the more effort and emotional upset it will take to end it. ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ is far more credible and acceptable. Be honest enough to say – it’s not working for me.
If you follow the above points you may manage to achieve that rarity: an amicable break-up from a long term relationship. You and your ex might even move into a pleasant post-relationship friendship.

But if, despite your best efforts, he doesn’t accept your story then you need to stand your ground and plan your exit without him. At least you can leave with a clear conscience!